grey area

it feels like a choke hold on my throat

a closing grip that wont let go

a  room where the walls are always too close

a pain in my heart too heavy to hold

a bitterness in the air that beckons the cold

a hole in the soul too wide and too low

the burden of not feeling ever enough

the voice in my head that says you aren’t being too tough

the tension of not knowing the up from the down

the confusion of learning which voices to drown

the dampness of sorrow

the pain of the debt

the longing of love

and the irony of regret

the struggle of striving and the act of letting go

the armor that comes even when the answer is no

the seeking the praying the asking God why

not knowing if I want to laugh or scream or give up and cry

the feeling of longing to escape and run away

but then the frustration of not knowing which path to take

the lie of the mirror

the truth of what I see

trying to find the clarity through all the deceit

wanting to let go but finding comfort in the grip

trying to dare greatly without analyzing the risk

the search for contentment

the peace and the serene

finding more comfort with myself and my dreams

learning the glimmer of life holds hands with the climb of the slope

the pairing of contradictions

through the density of see through smoke

the struggle to find where I finally fit in

keeping everyone out while not knowing the when

the fragility of the mind, the flack of its façade

the soul that strives to kill and disarm the defraud

the heart that is shaken, dismembered in the midst

bewildered by the questions, wishing she knew the cynical pretext

longing for the answers before the breathless contemplations

how to balance effort, yet trying to befriend patience

the shallowness of love

the depth of a soul

the struggle of reaching

while learning to courageously

let it all go