...

do you make sense of anything what's taking place what's not taking place what could be what could not be what is what isn't processing not processing critiquing yourself criticizing yourself judging yourself navigating through your own voice other voices your brain your heart potential versus what's in front of you scared to make a mistake scared to miss the mark scared period confused overwhelmed anxious angry wanting to run away from it all while wanting to dive head first scared to let go scared to hold on potential versus intention words versus actions history versus future defense versus pride zero inhibitions while holding onto self righteousness any sort of righteousness dignity for that matter truth versus fiction romance versus reality love versus hate indifference while caring with every ounce of your being what's wrong with you what's wrong with me questions asked answers not found wasted heart thoughts wasted on one who does not care rhythm versus rate control versus sacrifice sleep versus rest contentment versus striving making friends with the unknown losing yourself versus finding yourself blooming versus withering lead versus follow doubt or fear crying out versus silence comfort in the silence comfort in the crying out comfort in being alone longing for your touch or longing for any touch depth versus connection security versus risk adoration versus lust lust versus love love versus companionship companionship versus stagnation passivity versus passion giving up versus giving in affected to a depth through the lack thereof absence versus presence praying versus complaining pleading versus begging busyness versus productivity productivity versus performance performance versus a facade your facade our facade head knowledge versus heart knowledge give versus take push versus pull abandoned versus with abandon healing versus pain 

...the heaviness of it all, do you make sense of anything anything versus nothing nothing versus everything.  its everything. 

eclipse

rip and tear
to
destroy
neutralize
nullify
invalidate
defeat
ravish
overturn
sabotage

oh how I wish you missed the mark

melody

I see them dance hand in hand.

She the woman, he the man.

He takes her in his arm so tight.

She is at rest inside his might.

A love so pure so deep so true

How I long that I was her and he was you.  

the root and the bud

How lovely you are,

How radiant you shine,

For you are the sun inside this sky, 

The what, the how, and all my reasons why.

Yet, the justification of the excused regret,

The expectation of pillows stained wet.

The hope of what was still to come,

The fear of what is now sadly undone.

The forgiving of the misused flaws,

The reasons for the effect and cause. 

My heart was yours to have to take, 

To adore, to value, to never forsake. 

I grasped at your airy words only to find 

Their emptiness had faded in time. 

How ignorant the truth must seem 

To believe you were capable of sincerity.

The value seeped out long ago, 

A steady deflate, one that smothered my soul.

You sat within a place so rare, 

One stripped away open and bare. 

For only your hands, your eyes to see, 

But you turned away and instead looked over me.

The insecurity of your ignore, 

The heart ache that must endure.

The realization that your truth are lies,

Your words are empty and full of tries.

The moments that were all so missed,

The dullness of the loveless kiss.

I loved you with my eyes so tight, 

Letting myself be lost in your might.

Never knowing what the day may bring,

But simply hoping I would one day take your name.

You have shown me what I meant to you, 

A gap, a fill, only an excuse.

I reach for you, but you're not there. 

If only you knew how much I cared.

Alas, I hope your quest discovers its light.

Know I will never forget that fateful night. 

The end must begin, so here must we start, 

But always remember my love, "I carry your heart."

la douleur exquise

Delicate whispers fall from your lips,

Sweeter than a parting kiss.

The lovers' joy that's all a facade,

The realization that it's just a game.

The truth is bitter when you speak.

Your hand is cold to my body as they meet.

I dance with delusion and trial and gain,

I seek the words you give in vain. 

The bluntness of the harsh reveal,

It's more than this fragile soul stands to feel. 

The vulnerability that is at stake,

The love you once gave, but now you only take. 

I scrape I crawl I yell I cry,

I push I shove I ask you "why?"

The wreckage that your lack leaves behind 

Is a pride less path my heart must find.

I know you now not as before,

But as someone who must always settle the score.

You see through me like I'm not there, 

A time filled gap that you must bear.

The seconds pass and tick and tock,

While I discover that the key does not in fact fit the lock... 

The one I thought so specially made for me, 

This girl who dares and loves and dreams,

Who bears it all, her heart and soul. 

You would think by now it should be known, 

The trust it takes to hold a hand 

Is not worth the affections of a fleeting man.

for you

It’s your face I see when I close my eyes;

Your hands are what I imagine upon my thighs.

They seize my skin and pull me tight.

I feel our love inside your might.

My moans are loud with heavy sighs,

I picture you next to me as I lie.

I arch my back and grip the sheets,

I swear I hear your heart’s pounding beat.

You ravish me with such surprise!

Your lips meet mine, as you claim your prize.

Your noble charm and steadfast ways

Keep me lost inside my dreaming days.

Your sweet return occupies my mind’s time,

Until I can revel in your sweet sublime.

I will wait for you inside my dreams,

There I remain, until you come back to me.

grey area

it feels like a choke hold on my throat

a closing grip that wont let go

a  room where the walls are always too close

a pain in my heart too heavy to hold

a bitterness in the air that beckons the cold

a hole in the soul too wide and too low

the burden of not feeling ever enough

the voice in my head that says you aren’t being too tough

the tension of not knowing the up from the down

the confusion of learning which voices to drown

the dampness of sorrow

the pain of the debt

the longing of love

and the irony of regret

the struggle of striving and the act of letting go

the armor that comes even when the answer is no

the seeking the praying the asking God why

not knowing if I want to laugh or scream or give up and cry

the feeling of longing to escape and run away

but then the frustration of not knowing which path to take

the lie of the mirror

the truth of what I see

trying to find the clarity through all the deceit

wanting to let go but finding comfort in the grip

trying to dare greatly without analyzing the risk

the search for contentment

the peace and the serene

finding more comfort with myself and my dreams

learning the glimmer of life holds hands with the climb of the slope

the pairing of contradictions

through the density of see through smoke

the struggle to find where I finally fit in

keeping everyone out while not knowing the when

the fragility of the mind, the flack of its façade

the soul that strives to kill and disarm the defraud

the heart that is shaken, dismembered in the midst

bewildered by the questions, wishing she knew the cynical pretext

longing for the answers before the breathless contemplations

how to balance effort, yet trying to befriend patience

the shallowness of love

the depth of a soul

the struggle of reaching

while learning to courageously

let it all go